Here we go again...

Well I said that I'd do updates on the Grandma Church situtation, so here it goes. Things have gone from crazy to hellish within the past week. And no, for you non-believers, I am definitely not exagerrating.


On Sunday Grandma was talking to my sister on the phone and telling her how horrible it is here, that she wants to go home, etc. The highlight of the conversation (which I was of course eavesdropping on) was when Grandma said that my father had choked her and that is why she has a cough. Oh, in case you didn't know, Grandma has a form of dementia called Lewy bodies. Basically this means she has a mixture of Alzheimers and Parkinsons disease. So when she says things like, her son choked her, that is related to the memory deterioration and delusions that she has. It is actually pretty sad. On the other hand, it makes for some...interesting stories.


Oh, another story, last night Grandma was at home and Paul was the only one who was home. I was the first to get home, around 8:00 pm and Grandma had apparently spent all evening telling Paul that she was going to call the police and her attorney (she doesn't have an attorney) because he was holding her hostage. Riggghht Grandma, Paul didn't wouldn't let you leave the house because...of your scintillating conversation? By the way, any conversation with Grandma takes place at a yell, I kid you not, because she can not hear. Well, maybe that wasn't it. Perhaps Paul wanted to take all of her money? Wait a second, she doesn't have any of that. Hmmm. Well sorry Grandma, but I just am not seeing the motivation for this "crime." Thanks for playing, why don't you try again next week, thanks.

Well I think you're crazy, think you're crazy...

My grandmother recently moved into my parent’s home because she can no longer live on her own. If this were my mother’s mom then this would not be an issue; she is a pleasant woman who is genuinely kind. However, as luck would have it, the grandma who currently inhabits la casa is my dad’s mother. This woman is a far cry from the kind-hearted, sweet and loving grandma that I previously described. Grandma Church is a cantankerous, bitter woman who seemingly enjoys causing drama, distress and all-out commotion. Yes I know, I make the situation sound very appealing don’t I? Well, the one slightly good part about this whole scenario is that Grandma Church and her ridiculous antics will be fodder for this blog. Oh the stories I will be able to tell…

I would like to begin the first in my series of “Grandma Churchisms” (which is what I have just decided to call this section of my blog). A week ago I was going to play tennis after work with my mom and a friend. Since Grandma had been cooped up in the house all day, we thought she might like to go with us, not to play- we don’t want to break the elderly, geesh!- just to watch. However, when we got to the park the tennis courts were full, so we drove off in search of another place to play. As I turned onto the main road, Grandma Church said, “Sharlene, did you notice that woman walking her dog? Her son was behind her and she wasn’t watching him. That is why parents need to use harnesses for their children. There are too many people nowadays who would take advantage of that.”

I am not joking- she thinks that children should not only be attached to leashes, but should wear a harness! Seriously? Where does she come up with stuff like that? All I can say is that the more I hear her talk, the more stories and opinions she proffers, the more I realize what a miracle it is that my dad is so normal!

The Many Faces of Brayden

Munchkin Devil

I know, that title threw you for a loop, right? Well let me explain, but first off I need to make it clear that this story is completely true and unbiased (at least as much as I can possibly make it). =)

So let me give you some details. Last night for family home evening our ward had a 3-on-3 tournament in honor of March Madness, and we invited another single's branch to participate. Each team was made up of 2 guys and 1 girl, and the guys were not allowed to shoot from inside the key. So the first game I was up against a girl who was literally 5'2"; for those of you who have forgotten how tall I am, that is approximately an 8 inch disadvantage for her. Oh, and she did not know how to play basketball.

The entire 5 minutes that our teams played she delighted in elbowing me, pushing, tripping and fouling me. Needless to say, I was not a fan. After one outrageously obvious travel I pantomimed like I was calling a travel (which I didn't actually do because it was suposed to be a friendly church game, right?) well she got in my face after she passed the ball, and with as much attitude as I've ever seen a person have, she said, "was that a travel? Really? Did I just travel?" It was all I could do to not laugh in her face, I mean imagine this miniature sized person trying to trash talk...it was amazing.

So when the game ended my team came out the victors (could there have been any doubt, really, come on!) and as I walked to the other side of the court, she glared at me so hard that I could physically feel her eyes on my back. Thus the nickname, the Munchkin Devil.

And this brings up another subject, why is is that so many short people have such a difficult time with their height? I mean really, get over yourself! You can't make up for the fact that you are under the average height and acting like a jerk, beefing up if you are a guy (or a scary woman) is not going to help you at all. Do I go around complaining about being on the taller side? Well, aside from when I can't find pants that are long enough or shoes that are big enough that is. No, I don't! So please, to all the short people out there, let it go! Accept the fact that you are short and stop pestering the rest of us!

Get out of jail free card...kind of

How much flak do Americans get for being fat? We are the butt (sorry I couldn't resist) of so many jokes, I can't even count the number of times I've heard people making fun of us. Well, today I read a story on CNN that shows that Americans aren't the only fat people out there!

There is a prisoner in Italy who was released from prison and put on house arrest because he is too fat. He weighed something like 460 lbs. and so he couldn't fit on the beds, couldn't fit into the bathrooms, and the guards had to help him get dressed etc. everyday. Apparently they were worried that if he had to get some medical treatment they wouldn't be able to fit him into the clinic, so they released him. Or maybe it is because he was a member of the Mafia and used his connections to get out.

So what can we learn from this?
1). If you are going to become a criminal make sure to gain an ungodly amount of weight.
2). Try to befriend some people in the Mafia, or any other similar organization. I belong to the Relief Society, but I'm not quite sure if that would carry the same weight in prison as the Mafia. I'll have to look into that...
3). Don't let people tell you that Americans are the fattest people in the world, I haven't heard anything about American prisoners being too fat for prison!