I'd Rather Dance with You...

On Monday I was in the kitchen at home, goofing around with a friend while waiting for my apple crisp to heat up in the microwave when my grandma walked in. Now, for those of you who have seen me dance, you know that I am not the best. I’m not good either. In fact, the most fitting word to describe my dancing ability is inept. Ok back to the story, I was in a silly mood and dancing around the kitchen when my grandma walked in and asked me if I’d learned a new dance move. At this point I was faced with quite the dilemma: go with an easy yes or no response, or explain to grandma that I am a terrible dancer and was just goofing around (and remember, grandma is very hard of hearing, so any explanation would have to occur at a yelling type of decibel). Needless to say, I went with a simple, “no” response, retrieved my apple crisp and went to watch The Colbert Report.

Back to the Future

Apparently old people get cold easily; really cold, really easily. I guess it is because they are losing all of their muscle, and then their skin starts hanging off of their bones. You know what I am talking about. And ladies, if you think that the “relief society arms” are bad now, just think about being 80 years old…not only will your triceps be wobbly, there will that additional layer of stretchy skin hanging from your wobbly underarm. Ah, the things we have to look forward to because of the aging process…


Another great part of aging is the deterioration of one’s hearing. Now, this affects everyone differently, my Nana is 88 years old and she can hear just fine. However, my Grandma Church, who is approximately 92 years old (I can’t get an exact age, because she doesn’t tell anyone how old she is, and if you ask…man, prepare for the lecture of a lifetime) so she can’t hear worth beans. I will get home from work, walk inside the house, the dogs will run around barking and acting all excited, and unless Grandma is facing me she won’t know that I am home. More often than not, her back will be facing me, I will say, “hello Grandma” in a loud voice, and she won’t hear me. So then if I come out of my room 15 minutes later she will think that I just got home. Ok, so that isn’t really a big deal, but just think about trying to communicate with her. If you want her to hear what you say you have to practically yell. And carrying on a conversation where you have to yell in order for the other person to hear makes the thought of conversation…not so enjoyable. Thus, I have learned to only speak to Grandma when absolutely necessary, and to respond to her in the fewest words possible; I have become quite stingy with my words. Right, so hearing loss is something you want to avoid at all costs.


One thing that is good about aging: you get to eat whatever you want to, if we are going by my Grandma’s eating habits that is. One morning a few weeks ago, Grandma was in a really crazy and foul mood, she had been yelling and such, but luckily I left to go to work, so I didn’t have to deal with it…at least not too much. In an effort to pacify her, my dad asked her if she wanted some pancakes, which he had made, for breakfast. Of course she adamantly said “no!” Then about an hour later my dad went into the kitchen to find his mother with the syrup, drinking it straight out of the bottle. In case that story wasn’t enough to convince you, here is another one. This past Sunday my parents were at church, and I was getting ready for church so my Grandma didn’t realize that I was home. As I walked down the stairs I could see that she had a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, but instead of milk she had poured syrup and whipped cream on it. Wow, talk about a sugar high!


We hear people talk about how aging causes people to revert back to a child-like state, in that they need help with basic life sustaining behavior, as well as losing bladder control, taking naps, etc. And for my Grandma, she has reverted to the 2 or 3 year old stage and now only wants to eat sugary food. Tonight I am on “Grandma duty” so I have to make dinner. I was thinking I’d make spaghetti of some sort, but based upon this Grandma would probably be happier if I just gave her a bowl of sugar, glass of syrup, and plate of whipped cream…hmmm…it does seem like that would be easier…

Here we go again...

Well I said that I'd do updates on the Grandma Church situtation, so here it goes. Things have gone from crazy to hellish within the past week. And no, for you non-believers, I am definitely not exagerrating.


On Sunday Grandma was talking to my sister on the phone and telling her how horrible it is here, that she wants to go home, etc. The highlight of the conversation (which I was of course eavesdropping on) was when Grandma said that my father had choked her and that is why she has a cough. Oh, in case you didn't know, Grandma has a form of dementia called Lewy bodies. Basically this means she has a mixture of Alzheimers and Parkinsons disease. So when she says things like, her son choked her, that is related to the memory deterioration and delusions that she has. It is actually pretty sad. On the other hand, it makes for some...interesting stories.


Oh, another story, last night Grandma was at home and Paul was the only one who was home. I was the first to get home, around 8:00 pm and Grandma had apparently spent all evening telling Paul that she was going to call the police and her attorney (she doesn't have an attorney) because he was holding her hostage. Riggghht Grandma, Paul didn't wouldn't let you leave the house because...of your scintillating conversation? By the way, any conversation with Grandma takes place at a yell, I kid you not, because she can not hear. Well, maybe that wasn't it. Perhaps Paul wanted to take all of her money? Wait a second, she doesn't have any of that. Hmmm. Well sorry Grandma, but I just am not seeing the motivation for this "crime." Thanks for playing, why don't you try again next week, thanks.

Well I think you're crazy, think you're crazy...

My grandmother recently moved into my parent’s home because she can no longer live on her own. If this were my mother’s mom then this would not be an issue; she is a pleasant woman who is genuinely kind. However, as luck would have it, the grandma who currently inhabits la casa is my dad’s mother. This woman is a far cry from the kind-hearted, sweet and loving grandma that I previously described. Grandma Church is a cantankerous, bitter woman who seemingly enjoys causing drama, distress and all-out commotion. Yes I know, I make the situation sound very appealing don’t I? Well, the one slightly good part about this whole scenario is that Grandma Church and her ridiculous antics will be fodder for this blog. Oh the stories I will be able to tell…

I would like to begin the first in my series of “Grandma Churchisms” (which is what I have just decided to call this section of my blog). A week ago I was going to play tennis after work with my mom and a friend. Since Grandma had been cooped up in the house all day, we thought she might like to go with us, not to play- we don’t want to break the elderly, geesh!- just to watch. However, when we got to the park the tennis courts were full, so we drove off in search of another place to play. As I turned onto the main road, Grandma Church said, “Sharlene, did you notice that woman walking her dog? Her son was behind her and she wasn’t watching him. That is why parents need to use harnesses for their children. There are too many people nowadays who would take advantage of that.”

I am not joking- she thinks that children should not only be attached to leashes, but should wear a harness! Seriously? Where does she come up with stuff like that? All I can say is that the more I hear her talk, the more stories and opinions she proffers, the more I realize what a miracle it is that my dad is so normal!

The Many Faces of Brayden